Getting Old

I am sure that plenty of people who work at renfaires are going to laugh about this-“That won’t be me.” Or “Oh Yeah, I feel that” or the hardest to laugh “You haven’t seen anything yet!”

I started late, in my thirties, and I feel that a lot of women are in the same boat-that we’ve survived most of what life has thrown at us, we don’t have much to prove and are generally stable in who we are and know our capabilities. That’s not untrue of plenty of men but I find that there is a bigger age gap in whom you find at the renfaires.

When I first started, I had no endurance, couldn’t make a fire if it didn’t involve briquettes and a grill and didn’t realize how much you should carry in a car to be *really* efficient. Not saying I have it licked, but my friend Jess was right on the mark when she said that you have “ a groove” when you hit a decade.

Then: I would wear expensive outfits and buy a lot of accessories.
Now: I have a good base wardrobe of inexpensive stuff with and overlay of carefully collected pieces that match. I have come to realize that a good pair of boots and your basic poet shirt can get you through many periods of time. There is a reason most folks start with this. And the base accessories are all necessities. The first time you take a tuck and roll with a cup on your belt-done with the fripperies!

Then: I would do the two days of the festival and be ready to rock and roll, having terrible “faire hangover” (a form of nostalgia) and just chuck the dirty clothes in a bag and get to them whenever.
Now: We start the day with Advil and caffeine, we rest quite a bit and let the younger people do the heavy lifting when available. When we get home we write down the important stuff, throw the laundry in while we have some comfort food and enjoy 21st century amenities. (We actually have something we call “Emergency clams” kept in the freezer for coming back home and tossing into the oven) We are better about getting online and following up with customers (it’s easier than back in the Cretaceous) Sometimes we build in a “sanity day” post faire to rest up and not fall into a week of chaos.

Then: Do ALL the things! Stay all the nights!
Now: pfft, right. You young people go to fire off at after-hours parties. Ain’t no party like a clean shower and delivered food party, in my hotel room. It has been noted by our subcontractors that this amenity is greatly appreciated!

Then: Hopping out of the car!
Now: Groan and slide out of car. Sigh and start unpacking immediately.

Then: Throw it in the car!
Now: Specialized bags and boxes. For long distance trips may make 2-3 runs at the packing.

Then: What did that person mean by saying that to me?
Now: Oh yeah, that douchebag. Did they bother you, too? HAHAHAHAHA! Where do you want to eat supper?
Then: Maybe someone has a {blank} I can borrow?
Now: The leatherman is in the glovebox, the rest is in the med kit.

Nowadays I consider some of our best investments to be regular car service, AAA and having jumper cables in the car. I still remember my husband asking -
“Hey, was that (subcontractor) by the side of the road?” So we called and yes, indeed it had been them and so we banged a u-ey and pulled in behind. Within minutes we had snacks, had set up chairs, were playing cards and blowing bubbles by the side of the road. Renfaire people are a fun time and that never changes.

And although I don’t quite as excited going to the faires as in the past, in some ways it’s better. We have long-term friends, we can plan for (some) hazards, everyone knows the drill and we are the ones who chuckle and shake our heads at all goings-on. And the tent, that’s our own little sanctuary, we really appreciate it.

So yeah, there is arthritis, and fatigue and making lists but it’s still fun to be part of it all. And there is one thing that will be funny and just get moreso as I age. It’s someone in their early twenties coming up and telling me that 1) they have it all figured out and 2) they are too old for this stuff.

The Anchors

Wasn’t sure what to tittle this blog post because “the haters” was not really what I wanted to address. Haters are easy, you know they are wrong, it might hurt your feelings but one big raspberry and several successful shows, later that wound is all healed.

Anchors are a trickier hazard to spot-they often masquerade as something else and are sugar coated in things like concern trolling and passive-aggressive tactics. They will gaslight you and make you so filled with self-doubt that you don’t even believe your biggest supporters any more.

When one performs at the faire, presumably you are there with at least a shred of ego because  you are jumping out on a stage and yelling “Loook.At.Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee” But you do need a support system-the person who owns/run the fest, the staff that makes amenities like food and toilets happen, the people who staff the faire and the people who come to the faire. Without those thing-no need for performers. And let’s face it, performing looks easy-any two-year-old will tell you as much and climb on the table to do it. Sadly we are not all as cute as toddlers so we need to develop ourselves to be good performers.

But we all have self-doubts and I’m going to share some personal stories that you may recognize.

The mentor who really isn’t. When you first meet this person you will be so awed and amazed by them, you will kneel at their feet and soak up everything they have to give you. If they are a good mentor they will eventually become a peer and hope that you will outstrip them. If they are a bad mentor they will *seem* to build you up but pull out random pieces of your support system like some crappy game of jenga. I had someone who was there for me when it felt like the world walked 13 paces in a 14-pace fight and fired-we received threats,  bad press and evil emails. Initially this person taught me a few tricks, did some fight training with me and invited me to be part of their world.  All was pretty good until I started doing additional training, getting bad feedback and being told I was a terrible fighter because I kept changing the choreography.  I really thought this was the case so I started documenting everything, asking for feedback from others, and finally I gave up writing fights with this person because I just couldn’t seem to get it right. Other symptoms included random things costing me money or favors. I like to think I’m a “by the books” kind of person but I never seemed to reach that elusive goal of being somewhat equal. In the end, this person gave an ultimatum and it was so laughable that I just shook off the veil and saw clearly. Solution? Have more than one mentor and set yourself an internal scale of progress. If you never make the goals, that’s the sign of bad teaching. And if you are having problems, chances are someone else is as well so it’s good to compare notes. Once this person was caught on camera doing all the things they denied, that was the beginning of the end.

Your comrade-in-arms.(not) This person is beside you and supports you and is a good touchstone-until they aren’t. And it’s often insidious because by the time you realize this person is a frienemy, the damage and self-doubt are already there.  I would be told things like
“Well with your appearance maybe it’s better you do more backstage work.”
“You are a bit clumsy so why don’t you leave the acrobatics to us.”
“Maybe you wouldn’t get hurt if you worked a little harder at your skills.” (This was from someone *notorious* for hitting too hard and having fewer and fewer fight partners) As with anything, actions speak louder than words. I used to have self-doubts as my go-to and my reaction is often to work harder-and that will solve two problems 1) your skill level does go up 2) you start leaving detractors in the dirt.  When you see this problem from the outside, it’s important to approach the person who is being lied to and re-affirm that they are doing fine. In one case one troupe member was getting blamed for lateness and arguing. They day they blamed this person for causing lateness when they weren’t even scheduled to come to a show was an eye-opener. And on a later date, when the blamer thought I wasn’t around, picked a fight with the troupe member over a flap on a tent, and was shocked to find me standing there. I was a victim of this person as well and sadly some of these manipulators are so good because they are charismatic.

Your trainee (who knows better)-being in a position of power helps to curb this a bit. I have found the best antidote to this one is being self-effacing and humorous. If you are willing to laugh at yourself and admit fallibility, already this has taken away the weapon of superiority/inferiority.  And if this person can’t seem to learn from you, then it may be someone else trains them.  This person will also reference outside strengths continuously-and if someone comes in with a useful skillset, that’s great. But if they can’t learn what you do as a team, then it isn’t going to work out. I have NO PROBLEM with giving out the names of other groups and organizations and mentioning they might be a better fit. And yes, I hold back on some of the cooler tricks because I’ve been burned before.   If this person is just that amazing-well an ensemble is not the place for them,  bonne chance!

Your employer-nothing you do will satisfy this person. Perfectly innocent social interactions turn into head-shaking moments. You feel dirty every time you come away from working with them. These are all indicators. My partner and I become The World’s Nicest Incompetents. We make life easy for these folks by apologizing with extricating ourselves from their company. It’s like an uncomfortable date-it’s not you, it’s me. It’s been a real slice, gosh how could we ever do it again…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=92I1eJgCHIM

And we’ve been told we’ll never work in Roswell, Ohio again. But from what I can tell, neither will any other renfaire acts. Sometimes it’s better to give up a job than to come away with a coating of slimy feelings.

What I’m trying to say here is that it is statistically impossible to be wrong 100 percent of the time. Even a broken clock is right twice a day. If you can’t seem to get anything right and no one offers a solution, often it’s a relationship and situation set up to fail. No amount of hard work on your part is going to make it work because you are still the only person invested in a solution or fix. For me it’s been interesting watching the follow-up in how it turns out with these personalities-at least two of them have sworn they were better leaders, performers and human beings and yet, burn through organizations and friends in cycles. I’m not saying anchors are useless, sometimes they are there to stabilize a boat (and we’re grateful when they make us look good by comparison!) but if they keep you from sailing, it’s time to cut them and make your own way. And the Dalai Lama calls these people personal gurus-those who try us, reveal things about ourselves and teach us compassion.

What do you owe your fans?

This gif is mean to be self-deprecating :)

Before reading this, I’d like folks to not internalize it but really think about walking around in the shoes of your favorite performers.

I still remember our very first fan letter and I am friends (online mostly) with our first and most loyal fan and last year invited he and his family to our anniversary party where the troupe performed in street clothes, we all had fun, drank great wines, beers and hung out together. When I see him it is hugs all around.  There is a family we know a good 1200 miles away from us and I really feel like part of their lives and it’s a big, stinking lovefest. There is another blog post about that –probably this winter. These folks and other hold special places in our hearts and are part of why,  even in the worst of circumstances, we slog out onstage and do our bits.

But generally our days-to-day fans don’t receive this level of access. And it’s not that we don’t appreciate that they came to the performance and gave us feedback and handshakes and laughter, but we know the social contract says that we all have fun at the fair and then everyone goes home.

What DO you owe your fans?

You owe them a good to great show, and if it’s not a great show you owe them showing up and giving it all you have-onstage. We have done performances in *terrible* weather conditions and in completely unsuitable venues. (And in one of those we watched the bride realize that the location had changed her plans as well and we sort of kept the swords out of sight! Never, ever, cross the bride, people!) Our favorite example is from our first show (not Phoenix Swords) where it was raining hail, in a lightning storm with freezing temperatures. The organizer told us 
“IF no one shows up, you don’t have to go onstage and can pack up.”
But one lone kid, in a thin nylon jacket with blue lips showed up and we said
“This show is for YOU, kid.” And on we went, and sadly for the act after us, we attracted all the remaining die-hard faire-goers  and they had to go on after us. (You’re welcome!)
That’s an extreme example but if even one person shows up, you need to go out and do your job and give it your best shot.

You owe them gratitude
They showed up for you. Of all the acts in the faire they chose to come to yours. One of our longtime subcontractors (who is amazing and unsurprisingly, going into politics) is good at names and faces and deliberately chats up crowds before a show. He points people out to us, he works with making it a personal experience. We try to do the same (some of us better than others) and we have been rewarded with people choosing to go to ALL of our shows in a day and then coming back the next day. They are also the people who know that it is okay to laugh or clap at the right places and they tell the rest of the audience the cues you love to hear. They are the ones who chat you up to others and I am not above pointing out the organizer if the patron wants to give positive feedback.  Many organizers personally work the gate and if they hear about your show, thank your audience for coming.

You owe them timeliness-do your best to make this happen. Even as another act I have been known to make sub-vocal growling noises at acts *sauntering* on to stage late. Lateness is a sign of disrespect of the time of others.

You owe them feedback and answers-perhaps not AS the show is going on but several of our shows are education-based and we owe it to the crowd to be knowledgeable about what we do!

You owe it to them to be safe.

You need to render aid when needed.

You owe them service and professionalism. Our shows don’t mean a clean uniform at the end of the day but we do need to have *started* neat, clean and with nothing unsightly hanging out. And try not to use bad language or exclusive language and terms-well, unless you plan to explain it.

What you don’t owe your fans:

Personal information
justification for what you do
Putting up with bad socially/legally behavior
Access to your equipment or gear
To always be “onstage” (This one is tricky, sometimes you need that character break for potty trips or if you have your mouth wrapped around some food.)
Mind reading
Instant recognition-sorry folks, just jog my memory. If you have changed your hair color facial hair, style and have grown a few inches-bear with us, we are human!

And I still see some of these interactions turn sour. I’ve received my share of cranky emails and snarky remarks. But we are basically kind, polite people and if someone wants to turn that into a personal crusade, nothing we would have said or done would change that.

Love us or hate us, we’ll still go out and do our best for you in a show. And if you do like us, be sure to tell us because we DO appreciate you and you are the ones who let us do what we love. So thank you fans and we owe you one.

Dealing with Rumors

It is terrifying how quickly bad news can spread-especially at a location where there are theoretically no mobile devices and everyone is working all day. Now if it’s a rumor that we are amazing and that we poop gold nuggets-we might let that one slide. Generally thought, it’s the BAD rumors you have to quash if possible.

The first part is reacting to hearing it. The first time you might be caught off-guard. That’s why I like to use a five-second filter or <a href="https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/t/thomasjeff132201.html">channel Thomas Jefferson</a>  My partner takes a deep breath and smiles.  My filter is excellent but it has boundaries,  in twenty minutes it may not hold. But in the moment one must step back, disassociate and react calmly or with humor. You should acknowledge the rumor, thank the person for telling you (even if you suspect the source might be invested/poisonous) and let them know you’ll be aware and do your best to deal with it. And that’s all you owe the person who came to you.  In fact, it’s better not to act immediately (I’ll cite an example later in this entry when one shouldn’t wait) but ruminate on it a bit.

<em>“Your reputation is in the hands of others. That's what the reputation is. You can't control that. The only thing you can control is your character.” </em>
<em> ― <a href="https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/2960.Wayne_W_Dyer">Wayne W. Dyer</a></em>

Now to do damage control-I usually do a “check in” with friends and associates and get a more balanced view. If you run a group, it’s important that everyone is on the same page. You put together an action plan-we will say this, we will not say this and give your folks a unified face.  You will need to address the rumor point by point and have logical ways to refute them. And you may need to bring it up yourself to key people (often the OTHER gossipmongers)  and make light of it or stare it down like your cat planning to steal your sandwich. Be firm, and calm, not angry. The worst thing to do is to become upset or start counter-rumors. DO NOT “fight fire with fire” because then, you could catch your own ass on fire.  If it’s something really damaging –you may need to go to organizers or influential people in the community. You can start with something like
“It’s come to my attention that; [x] and I would like to address any concerns with [y] and [z] and if you have any questions or concerns, please be sure to come directly to me and we can discuss them.”

By heading it off in this way, you are slowly leeching the power of the rumor and the rumor-starter and bringing everyone back into the reality of doing safe, good business. Don’t be afraid to enlist people to help you. I have had defense come from unexpected quarters because we have a reputation as levelheaded people and these allies were in places we didn’t know they needed to be.

Some people say that one should confront the rumor-starter. I have found that in 99.9 percent of these instances, the person will lie about having started such a thing and if anything, I’ve made them feel important by recognizing them. I’ll acknowledge the rumor and I may even subtly drop hints that such actions won’t be tolerated, but the person or persons don’t deserve even notoriety. I’m still a bit of a pill and am not above some petty social embarrassment, but it’s always about making the statement of living the better life rather than playing at equal vitriol.

And now some concrete examples. At one point  the story that we were fighting unsafely- rumors that cropped up like cockroaches. It got to the point where we had a checklist of “How?’ Where?” “Why?” that could be traced back to one really terrible human being. In fact, over the years a number of strangers have come up and apologized for believing and spreading that. And folks, that didn’t happen overnight, it took YEARS and a whole lot of taking the higher path and really didn’t take away all of the sting. Even now, some people will not accept all of the logic and facts that have piled up because that would require admitting that they were wrong.

A second example was a fire breathing incident –our firebreather had some stray hairs that resulted in a burnt cheek. Even though the performer re-did the trick immediately after, the rumors were that “someone had blown up on stage!” So we had to walk through the faire, chat with people, be seen by vendors and then do THE WHOLE SHOW-including the fire breathing again that night.  And still hear stories about “The guy who blew up on stage!” (It was one disappointed Fire Marshall)

Accept that the truth will not be accepted by everyone because it would spoil a good story. There are faires that *every single time* I have to point out that the rumor mill that names, places, dates and actual events are completely wrong and I’m told I “spoil the fun.” That “fun” impacts my bottom line so soak me in salt water and christen me a wet noodle.

And although it is hurtful to accept, some people just spread malice.  There isn’t a rhyme or reason other than they need to strike out-often at innocent  or undeserving targets.  The why isn’t important but making sure that you take care of you and yours is the primary goal.  I’m not saying you aren’t entitled to feel hurt, angry and betrayed-that’s healthy. But  rumors are vapor, in time they dissipate and you will outlast them.